I got very clear messages as a child that it was not OK to "be me." I have spent decades learning to, first, accept myself, and second, to go ahead and *be* myself (which seem to me to be 2 different things, or at least two different facets of the issue). After accepting myself as I am I still had behaviors that were so ingrained that I had to unlearn them. "*Unlearn* NT behaviors?" you ask? :) Yes, because those "behaviors"/communication modes/characteristics/ways of trying to perceive the world do not work as well for me as the ones that are more natural to me.

I will be 50 on Saturday and I'm *not* signing up for NT lessons!

My wife and I are working hard with three of our kids to help them "being normal".  I do not see "being normal" as "being bad".  I see "being normal" as "being able to adjust to changes" without losing our dignity or the love of other human beings.  Many NT and people on the spectrum do not like changes.  For instance, many conservatives on the political spectrum (i.e., Rush, Fox News....) have difficult time to adjust to changes of the new administration.  They are acting out, throwing big tantrum on TV, losing their cool and just having difficult times to adjust to changes.  These people are not on the Autism spectrum.  But their behaviors IMHO are not considered "being normal."  They are unable to adjust to changes.

My wife and I teach our sons to speak so they can voice their opinions and easily understand changes and adjust to them.  We teach our sons self-help skills so they can take care of themself and keep their dignities.  We teach our sons manners because they all live in a limited space called earth and learn to be nice to others. 

I hope that my efforts of teaching my three boys (all on the spectrum) "being normal" do not put them in a life time of "anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem".

It depends on the how. If you try to force someone (some people force themselves, knowingly or not, others are pressured by peers or parents or whoever, or both) to be in a way that runs too counter to their natural state, that will cause them a lot of stress and a huge effort to maintain (i.e. it takes up all your spoons and more), and that can certainly be detrimental to your (mental) health. You can teach them how to do the things they need to know in a way that fits them too.

I am also trying to unlearn a set of behaviours (wrong word, but don't know a better one) that I made to fit in better, but that in the end only cost me much and gained me little benefit. Too hard to keep up, and if I do keep them up, that is all I can do: instead of spending my spoons on worthwile things like learning and living, I only exist maintaining all these façades of 'normality'.

What I need to learn is to do everything that is needed in my life in MY way.
That would mean, moving and holding my body in the way that fits me. Not using speech if it is too difficult, instead of trying and failing anyway and getting very stressed in the attempt. I could try typing or writing instead. Somewhat slower than using speech IF speech comes easy, but better than trying it in speech and not managing at all. Having accommodations at work, at home, and outside, without shame (I managed the no shame bit years ago, now if only the accommodations arrived...). etc. etc.

Now that I have made strides to be in my own way (advocate in my own way, adjust to things and changes in my own way, etc.), my anxiety disorder is much less prominent and entirely manageable. Left depression and low self esteem far behind too.

Wonderful post, Dora!  You've explained self-determination, and why it is important for autistics and everyone else, very clearly by juxtaposing these two articles.

And happy birthday Paula!