On Not Swimming Alone

Published March 03, 2009 @ 01:40AM PT

On Saturday there's a program at our YMCA for kids on the spectrum, created by a parent. It's two hours of swimming and gymnastics, with high school volunteers paired with each child. The program's gotten quite popular and---we're usually late, ahem---it's rare that Charlie gets to swim with anyone. This Saturday, there were too many volunteers when we got to the pool and Charlie was paired with a teenage guy---Jim and I thought, great!. There's been times when he's paired with students who he's the same height or taller than; usually it's the preschoolers and younger kids who are first paired with volunteers.

Charlie sped across the pool, the volunteer beside him, kicking and face in and on his back. While a strong swimmer, a little encouragement and companionship go a long way.

So I didn't know what to say when, after a girl a few years younger than Charlie entered, arms moving in the air a bit, we were asked: "Does Charlie really need a volunteer?"

Clearly the other girl did. Clearly Charlie was dropping down to the bottom of the pool and (with a little coaxing from me) attending to the volunteer and swimming to the deep end.

I noted how rarely Charlie gets to swim with someone---a guy, especially---how, yes, he still needed a volunteer. The woman who asked me nodded but looked perplexed as she walked over to speak to someone else.

Should I have said, no, Charlie didn't need the volunteer? (Truly, he did.) How would I have felt if I had been the girl's mother, seeing a muscular, tall boy back-floating in the deep end and "hogging" a volunteer that her daughter (who didn't seem to know how to swim) stood on the sidelines? How to explain how Charlie was benefiting in so many unobvious ways, from the chance to interact and listen to someone he'd just met? Things change when (sigh) you're not a cute little kid who can be carried. Needs change and a helping hand is still needed----just in a different way.

(And anyways, it's well that Charlie learns to swim with a friend----someday he might like to try this.)

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Comments (11)

With some minor controls put into place (eg. restrict to the shallow end), a competent volunteer could easily monitor a swimmer and a nonswimmer. I do it all the time.

Posted by Ken Wickiser on 03/03/2009 @ 04:50AM PT
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Oh yes---Charlie would be ok on his own; he's a really good swimmer. Just welcomed the chance for him to swim and not be alone.

Posted by Kristina Chew on 03/03/2009 @ 07:52PM PT
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I don't think you were wrong, Kristina. As you said, it's easy for people to look at someone Charlie's age and think "Oh, he'll be alright". We run into that problem with our 12 year old alot, especially because he is high functioning and he looks like he's 15 (what is it about autistic kids? I don't mean to generalize, but my own and others that I've met have off the chart physical development. Is that common? Do others see that? Sorry, I digress).
We even fall in to that trap as his parents, especially with a 5 and 3 year old on the spectrum who can be very demanding. There are times we lose sight of the fact that while he's 12, in many ways he's more like an 7 or 8 year old. For example, he still needs someone to tuck him in every night to help him bring closure to the day. Not everyone gets that. They see a 7th grader who should be beyond that.
So, hog those volunteers as much as you want when it's Charlie's turn. He needs it just as much as a younger kid does. (Maybe you could put a notice up and see if there's someone who would be willing to come on a day other than Saturday to swim with Charlie?)

Posted by Siliconmom . on 03/03/2009 @ 09:47AM PT
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My seven-year-old looks like he's 10...and he wears a size 10 jeans and has the same shoe size I do. I don't know what it is, either.

Posted by Emily Willingham on 03/03/2009 @ 07:54PM PT
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great idea!

We still tuck Charlie in and intend to as long as he is ok with it.........

Regarding your digression, Charlie indeed looks older than he is at the moment. It's his height, those physical changes from puberty, and the fact that when he's with me he looks even taller (because I'm short). On the other hand, Charlie is the youngest in his class of four boys on the spectrum and the most developed physically, and (as I've noted before), the biggest.

Posted by Kristina Chew on 03/03/2009 @ 07:59PM PT
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I've always looked younger and smaller than my actual age (and am autistic), I don't know that there's a correlation either way.

Posted by Anne Corwin on 03/03/2009 @ 10:19PM PT
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Siliconmom said it perfectly! :-) Yes, Charlie needs that volunteer. Whether or not it looks the same as the other child's need is immaterial. That is the lesson I continue to learn over and over with Nik, too. Just because his need doesn't *look* as extreme as another child's might, he still needs all the supports he gets.

Posted by Niksmom . on 03/03/2009 @ 10:40AM PT
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Wow, good for him. Alyssa loves to swim. There must be something about the water---I myself am not a big fan.

Posted by Susan Mascolo on 03/03/2009 @ 06:09PM PT
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I used to refuse to get near, let alone, into the water-----Charlie taught me (got me) to swim!

Posted by Kristina Chew on 03/03/2009 @ 07:51PM PT
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Thank you for describing so vividly this moment which definitely strikes a chord -- even though my 16 year old doesn't know how to swim. (That's great that Charlie learned how!)

Posted by Twyla Ramos on 03/03/2009 @ 07:39PM PT
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You were just right to do right by your son and for his needs. There were other volunteers. Yours was already taken.

Posted by Emily Willingham on 03/03/2009 @ 07:56PM PT
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Kristina is a Classics professor in Jersey City, New Jersey, a blogger (formerly at AutismVox), a translator (of Virgil), and an advocate every day for her son, Charlie.