My take on this has little to do with DNA.  I feel everyone should have two or fewer biological children (including zero). The U.S. Census Bureau projects that the U.S. population will surpass 439 million by 2050--a 40% increase.  Right now, 71.7% of U.S. women responsibly complete their families with two or fewer biological children.

The number "two" is magical because, even if all women stopped at two biological children, the population would gently decrease. It's a mathematical thing. Some women stop at one or zero, and their sacrifice helps even more.  (Of course, 28.3% of U.S. women--according to the U.S. Census Bureau--stop at three, seven, fourteen, eighteen.  Their objective seems to be to turn us into a "Less Developed Country").

I had my 3 children very close together.  When my oldest (with Asperger's and ADHD) was 13 months, I conceived my second son.  When he was 2 yrs 9 months and his brother was 10 months, I conceived my third child.  I did not begin to suspect that my son had any type of issue until he was 3  and, even then, I thought he may have ADHD.  It wasn't until he reached 5 that I began to question Asperger's.  I can say in total honesty, that I had no idea about his Asperger's when I had two more children.
I totally lucked out.  My second son and my daughter have no developmental delays or learning disabilities.  We ended up with the best case scenario in that Nick has 2 NT siblings who adore him.  He and his brother are best buddies.  It gives me much relief to know that, after I am gone, there are people who will always be involved in looking after him if this is necessary (we don't know yet).
I often wonder if I would have had two more kids if I knew that Nick had AS.  It's not that I wouldn't have been able to love another kid with AS.  It would have worried me that, after I'm gone, there would be no one to look after 2 kids, not just one.  It is a very serious question that each family must consider. 
I feel very blessed that everything worked out well for us. 

I find it disgusting that some people's choice to have children is subjected to public debate like that.  I'm nowhere near ready to have kids as of yet, but given that my partner and I are both diagnosed on the spectrum, I don't doubt that we'll be subjected to that kind of judgment should we choose to have (biological) children someday.  Not that our decisions will be influenced by other people's prejudices, but it is troubling.  The original post in that thread also demonstrated just how slippery this slope is.  Allergies as a reason not to have kids?  Ugh.  I guess my parents shouldn't have had kids because both of their families have such a strong history of nearsightedness.  I'm very uncomfortable with drawing a "line" of acceptable and unacceptable difference.  The hubris is really astonishing.

Having been a sister sibling who took care of my brother for 30+ years of his life(birth-adulthood) I have heard a lot of families tell me that they have another child to look after the differently-able sibling.

 I think parents should find out how the able child feels. With over 40+ years of being a caretaker I was having a hard time because I never got a chance to have a normal life. Some of my siblings (when adults) would avoid the special families. Some of my siblings were very caring to people at work. I think I learned  a lot.

I don't know what the parents of special children should do- each case is unique. I only ask that parents think about the able child and their needs too.

Just like parents in this blog the adult sibling may be taking care of their own special needs child at the same time. My own children remember growing up with my brother and how it affected their lives too.  My own child was in autism crisis at the time my brother left. It was hard for my brother to deal with some of my son's crises. It was hard to deal with both in crisis. I had a social worker yelling at me about not being there for my brother. It didn't matter that we responded to his other 3 crises.

It is so easy to think that siblings are plan A. Please think about Plan B too. Siblings do take care of siblings. The adult sibling's temperament is certainly a factor in the equation.

@Ed none. I totally agree with your message. It's about parents handling the pressure, the pressures society puts on the child and the family. Your best point is, "would (the kid) even want to be alive due to what they are required to deal with". I think that is a very important point.

You say it very well and it is so true.

People who are against abortion say, what if the aborted fetuses was meant to be side kind of genius who saves the world? I suspect a lot of good innovations came from the creativity of autistic genes.
My ASD husband and ASD son are extremely smart in math and science. My son, may yet, do something extraordinary to solve global warming or something. Who knows?
That being said, if I knew my and my husband's genes could produce someone as disabled as my daughter, I wouldn't have kids. She is so vulnerable.
I hope, someday, my geeky son invents a cyborg to put my brain in so I can live long enough to keep my daughter well cared for, safe and loved.

If I was told something along the lines of "you have a 50% chance of having a child who will live a short, painful life" then, no, I wouldn't have a child, or another child.  I'd foster to adopt, or something.  I have asthma, anxiety, autoimmune issues, and an icky neurological condition... but damn, I'd rather be alive with those than have never been concieved.

Whenever this arguement comes up, I feel like it detracts from the real issues- it lets people put the blame on the parents rather than looking at how society choose to, or not to, adapt to people with disabilities and different needs.  Suicide isn't just genetics- it's genetics plus environment.  Happiness has as much, or more, to do with what's around you than what is in you.

Every person's life is worthwhile.

 Some autistic  families I have seen were happier than others with normal lives. The perfect families with the million dollar homes had the hardest time. They strive for perfection.

 It is about our attitude, coping skills, acceptance etc. How do we want to live our life? It is also the kid's great smile, sports skills etc. What do we see is great about our kid?

The best advice I heard was from a Fragile X family with a special education teacher mom. She was a single parent-sole support.  We all have a picture in our mind of how we want life to be. The mom mourned for a short time because her life was going to be change forever. Then she worked on acceptance and having the happiest child possible. When he finished high school her son said he had the best mom and a happy life. It is a dream both different and regular kids and families can hope for.

So mourn life is changing for you; work toward accepting your new life and try to raise a happy child.

I'd've had my kids. I chose to do so. I'd choose to do so again, knowing what I know now. No question. It's the sign of true maturity and yes, courage, for a person to make a decision and accept the consequences of that decision, for better or for worse. Right now, conception via the usual route is a complete crapshoot. There are consequences for throwing those dice. If you do not embrace those consequences--whatever they are--and accept them for whatever they are, you will end up fighting a futile, useless, frustrating battle with anger, hate, and anxiety the rest of your life. It is what it is. Deal with it.

And it's nobody else's business what your "is" is. Not even people who are hung up on reproductive replacement capacities or what the "costs to society" are of an autistic person or whether or not someone with "faulty" genes has a "right" to reproduce. If an asshole who's killed or raped someone or started a war or defaulted thousands out of billions or behaved in general like a socially acceptable narcissistic sociopath can sire or birth children with impunity, without social comment, I'm pretty sure my son has that right, as well.

@Nicole, I thought this statement was very powerful."It lets people put the blame on the parents rather than looking at how society choose to, or not to, adapt to people with disabilities and different needs". The author of The Good Earth had a mentally retarded daughter. I was very inspired by the author's life. Pearl Buck loved China of the 1940's because differently-able children were part of the society. There was no stigma. People didn't see the difference. All children were thought of as normal. That is how I see my brother and son. I see the person first. The disability has to do with the paperwork to get SSI, DVR benefits etc.

@ Emily, I agree with your great comment,"If you do not embrace those consequences--whatever they are--and accept them for whatever they are, you will end up fighting a futile, useless, frustrating battle with anger, hate, and anxiety the rest of your life". Resist and deal with a frustrating battle with anger, hate  and anxiety. Or find acceptance, peace, love. The smart people figure this out sooner than others. I always marvelled at the joy everyone in the accepting families experience.

My older son who had battle cancer said something important to me. Not everyone is strong enough to deal with hardship, mom. My older son is so good with differently able people. I may accept some things well but I am not going to do well with everything. I am only human, strong, weak, fragile. It is only important to acknowledge which of these we are at the moment. How would everyone rank themselves on an autism acceptance scale?

Being thrust into a caretaker role at age 8 for my newborn brother I didn't have time to think but do- just deal with it.  My mom couldn't deal with it. I had no training, no support. I just tried to understand him as a person. I dealt with it some how but it was a daily struggle for me. Could I handle the next crisis? How could I make him feel happy in a tough world that tried to crush his spirit? If I threw a birthday party would people come? Depending on the person I think the quality of life of differently abled people  can be affected when each day is a struggle for the caretaker because you feel overwhelmed.

After I got married and had an autistic son I had to deal with the past and the present together. It helped me to see other families accepting of the situation. Everytime I asked a family why they were so happy, the answer was the same. Acceptance. It was at that point that I realized we all make choices- to accept or not to accept. Even if we don't make a conscious choice, the choice would then be made on its own.

So I think being aware of the choices we can make and understanding the consequences of accepting or fighting the situation is important to know. Sometimes you are so busy doing that you should have thought first about your game plan- accept or resist the situation. This is something I would mention to a family with a newly diagnosed autistic child if they wanted advice.

Here are two excerpts from Pearl Buck's book, The Child Who Never Grew, 1950's. She was crusading for her daughter, Carol, who suffered retardation due to PKU. Pearl Buck was the first person to bring to national attention, Why is there children like these? At that time these children were despised in the U.S. It was a cultural shock to leave China and come to America. Her book was written 50 years ago, and it sounds as current as if it had been written today. A parent's feelings are timeless. Pearl had lived in China in the 1920's & 1930's.

"Eastern practices, particularly in China and Japan, are an instructive contrast. Mrs. Buck, who grew up among the Chinese, had seen the deformed accepted for themselves. Their infirmities were not ignored, and sometimes were even made the subject of nicknames, and this attitude apparently effected a sort of catharsis for the infirm. The sufferer felt no need to hide himself, for he was accepted without pretense. The Chinese believed, too, that a person who was handicapped had compensations. Thus a blind person was respected and sometimes feared, for it was thought he had a perception far beyond mere seeing. The Chinese, also, do not have institutions for the aged, the insane, or mentally defective. Such persons are cared for at home, as long as they live. But as to the West, Mrs. Buck pertinently remarks: "Ours is an individualistic society, indeed, and the state must do for the individual what family does in older civilizations."


"After several years of intense involvement, Mrs. Buck realized the age-old truth that she must stop thinking of herself and her sorrow, cease struggling against life, and slowly come into accord with it. "So long as I centered in myself, life was unbearable. When I shifted that center even a little, I began to understand that sorrow could be borne. ... Sorrow fully accepted brings its own gifts." The fact that Mrs. Buck can now bravely publicize her child's case (although the story is far from complete, as it stands), would indicate a major step in philosophic detachment. And who can say how much the perception and sympathy which enables her to contribute so definitely, in her books and public work, to the welfare of human society, has been developed through this deeply-moving experience? Thus all share in each other's Karma, and benefit. Mrs. Buck claims that the body of human knowledge has also been added to through patient work with her child."

I found this book a very beautiful experience to read and very inspirational.

Ya know, that really is a loaded question, lol. 

My answer: I don't know.   I already have one kinda like yours... ;) 

The reason has nothing to do with him.  It has to do with the rest of the world.   We have no extended family, per se, and no one to watch over him after we are gone. 

What services are there for adults?  Who is out there to advocate for our kids, when they are on their own?

NO ONE. 

So why would I want to bring a kid like mine (or yours) into a world where he could feasibly end up in a cardboard box in an alley?

When the world changes, I would say yes to that question.  But right now....

It seems to me that people should only have as many children as they can provide properly care for and nurture.   I have heard of families having as many as 5 autistic children - I know I couldn't care for and nurture that brood but hopefully their parents can.

I know parents with autistic children who have chosen to have more - but do things differently.  The next-born were not vaccinated on the recommended schedule (no HepB at birth, for example) and watched very carefully for signs of casein intolerance to mother's milk, etc.  One baby did have to be taken off mother's milk, but is otherwise did fine and is not autistic.  None of these families' subsequent children have been diagnosed as autistic.  It's not all genes, there are environmental factors, too.

Whether or not a couple wish to pass on their genes is a question for them and them alone, but I think that pre-natal testing for disability should be abolished: if you don't want a disabled child, then either use a condom, or keep your legs crossed. If you would abort a child that you found would be disabled, then you should (IMHO) not have a child. To terminate a pregnancy because the child is disabled is to say that disabled lives are worthless.
In the Autistic Rights Movement, we hear this sort of thing from the likes of "Autism Speaks" - an organisation of parents and carers (autistic people are not welcome) who describe an autistic child as "the worst calamity that can befall a family" and have had members that have said that they would rather their child died of measles than take a chance on them developing autism.
I am an aspie father - not sure whether my son is copying me or has inherited some traits, but either way, they're what makes him who he is.

My sister once said that someone said to her that the reason we have these boys with autism is our punishment. (My husband was married when we got together and he quickly divorced his wife.) Others have said they are blessings and we have these boys because God chose us specially to be their parents. Who knows?
I do know you can never judge who will make good parents and how good or bad their offspring will be. Even GOOD genes can produce a psychopath